This might be the first holiday period when you are faced with deciding to potentially not celebrate Christmas as a family unit or perhaps being at some distance from your children on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or both.
FIRST CHRISTMAS AFTER SEPARATION | FIRST CHRISTMAS AFTER DIVORCE
Before we get into some recommendations for how to help you navigate a very different Christmas this year, it is important to acknowledge your separation or divorce as the major milestone that it is and be kind to yourself as you learn to navigate this new phase.
While the traditions that you normally follow during the holiday season might change this year, it does not mean that Christmas cannot be celebrated. There are many different arrangements that we see people creating for the holiday season. Many separated parents opt to tailor the arrangements to family circumstances depending on traditions and how they have celebrated in the past. Others create new arrangements if that is what will help create the most beneficial outcomes for their children.
Having helped hundreds of parents navigate this very tricky time of year in the past, to help you in the approach to the holiday season, we have put together some recommendations that have proven helpful to other parents.
NAVIGATING YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS AFTER SEPARATION
Start Discussions Early
What is really important at this time is to try to minimise disagreements by communicating beforehand. Have early discussions with your former partner or spouse about possible plans, how you will each navigate arrangements for the children and how they can spend time with both of you.
Setting a tone that fosters calm communications with your partner wherever possible is key to this process. Coming in with a list of reasonable ‘wants’ is fine but understanding that they may not all be achievable is important to recognise from the outset.
Having these conversations early is a key step in avoiding the anxiety that can be caused by not knowing what Christmas might look like and what you fear you may miss out on. Try to be as specific as possible when you do reach agreements so that the chance of miscommunication is minimised and to avoid the impact this could have on you or the children down the track.
If both of you approach this planning with the intention to come to an agreement, it will help you manage your first Christmas after separation with far less stress.
Related: Communication During Separation: 5 Tips to Manage Toxic Communication
Central to this, it is important that both of your families understand that post-separation, Christmas may not be the same as previous holiday seasons. Traditions may not be able to be kept or perhaps might need to change in some ways.
Reach out to let your family know what is important to you and most importantly, for the children at this time of year. It will already be challenging, so asking them in advance for support and flexibility, especially this first year as a separated family, can make the world of difference.
Getting to an Agreement About Festive Season Parenting Arrangements
When planning for special times of year, it is important to remember that there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach. The arrangements should be child-focused and accommodate the needs of your children based on their ages and specific needs. Different families have different needs, and different traditions so make sure to communicate with the other parent to preempt potential issues wherever possible.
There are a variety of different arrangements that separated parents come to. Here are some that we see:
- One parent might have Christmas Eve and then there is a changeover for the children to go to the other parent sometime during Christmas Day.
- Some people agree for one parent to have the whole of the Christmas period if it is difficult for them to share the day, and then alternate the following year.
- Others opt to have a different day designated as Christmas Day so that the children can effectively celebrate twice.
What will work for your family depends on what your circumstances are, including the distance between the two of you and what other celebrations each parent has with their respective, extended families.
Knowing when the children will phone or video call is helpful for the parent not with the children but importantly, for the children as well.
Understandably you or the other parent may get quite emotional about arrangements where they do not have their child. For both of you, it is important to keep in mind that not being present for that one day is not going to impact the relationships you share with your children in the longer term.
None of this is easy, but what is clear is that it does require some compromise. If you can start discussions on a good and positive note, that will possibly put you in good stead down the line.
Related: Child-Focused Parenting Arrangements
New Traditions
If traditions are changing this Christmas, contemplate other opportunities you could have to create special moments with your children. It may not be what you want, but it is essential to create new options or activities.
Mentally preparing yourself for the fact that this year will be different from the past is important. If the children aren’t with you, consider how you can keep yourself busy rather than being at a loose end. Planning some self-care and activities in advance will be helpful.
What Your Children Need From You This Christmas
Despite how difficult it may be, your children may need some help either by way of you offering reassurance about the new arrangements or practically, in getting a gift for their other parent or the other set of grandparents.
Put some thought into how you can assist your child so that you can start things off in a proactive and positive way that will help lay good foundations for a positive co-parenting relationship down the line. If a child is reassured by you that you will be okay, that will usually assist them with adjusting to the arrangements also.
As a parent planning for this first Christmas as a separated family, it should always be your priority to think about the needs of your children first and ensure they are separate from your own wishes.
Even though each of you will likely want to spend extended time with them during the holidays, always put your children’s desires ahead of your own and support them during this change of rituals and traditions.
Arrangements are not always about how much time you spend with your children. Instead, it is about maximising every chance that you have with them and making the most of the holiday season with them by inserting traditions and celebrations that are meaningful to your family.
Related: Helping Children Through Divorce – 4 Tips to Help Get Them Through Your Separation and Divorce
Taking Care of Yourself
To successfully navigate your first festive season as a separated parent, this recommendation is essential.
Write a list of activities you would like to do, whether it be hiking, cooking, reading a book – whatever it is that will restore you – and plan what you will do with the days that you expect you will need some self-care. Ensure you include activities that mean you will connect with others rather than be alone and plan in advance.
Keep The Big Picture In Mind
Your first Christmas after divorce or as separated parents is a time of emotional and logistical challenges. Working together as early as possible to communicate openly about what will work best for your children and your family can give you peace of mind in the lead up to this significant milestone.
If you and the other parent cannot come to an agreement, consider getting specialist advice early on in the process so you can access help in sorting out arrangements through negotiation or dispute resolution. Or if need be, speak to a family law specialist to explore if there is room to make an assisted agreement.
As much as possible, avoid making assumptions about what the other parent wants and make arrangements through proper communication. Ideally, you will want to formalise your arrangements through a parenting plan or Parenting Order to avoid any potential disputes and have a guide about how any future arrangements will work.
In the end, the key to surviving your first Christmas after divorce or post-separation is to plan ahead, ensure good communication with your former partner or spouse about arrangements and keep your expectations realistic.
